Tone it Down a Little
Laying on my hammock, I find myself trying to enjoy it less.
Such a funny thing to do…
It’s good, I like it, but some part of me is trying to tone it down a little.
Why would I do something like that? Why would I not want to enjoy this?
Trapped in The Confirmation Bias
Hmm… Well… If I enjoy it too much I guess that would make me feel bad about not buying it sooner. It would make me acknowledge that I missed out on something good because I was too lazy… Laziness, being the (bad) decision not to get this hammock sooner.
I honestly didn’t think I would enjoy it much, so I didn’t want to put too much effort into it.
If I considered it to be more important, then I would’ve gotten it years ago… but I didn’t think I would enjoy it much… so I didn’t get it. But if I do enjoy it, then I must have been mistaken.
Honestly… I knew it would be a good idea… But it seemed like too much of a hassle. Eventually, an opportunity has presented itself, and it suddenly became much easier – so I got it. And now that I finally have it I find myself trying not to enjoy it.
What the hell?!
I’m manipulating my reality… Even without noticing… I’m being played… My mind maneuvers my experience in an attempt to protect me.
Who asked for this?
…Oh, this is a tough one! I can’t seem to find the answer…
Mind-Altering and Testing
Perhaps there is no answer…
What if it’s just the good old survival mechanism trying to protect me from feeling bad. Mistakenly treating bad feelings the same as a physical injury.
Let’s test that.
I wonder if I can disconnect that… Make emotional pain unrelated to physical pain. Something that doesn’t need to be instinctually avoided.
I think it’s working… My head feels hot, feels like it’s doing something… Alright, so… Let’s try it out and see what happened.
Well… Thinking of something bad…
A year without a hammock… My fault… I’m too lazy… I don’t do anything, I’m such a slacker…
Damn. I’m still not feeling bad… I need something more real. Let’s try a memory… I think I got something:
Trapped. Can’t leave. Been here for way too long. Things should have gotten better by now. Fuck! Can’t trust anyone. Fuck! It never works. Never. I knew it! I should never trust anyone but myself!
I got it!
Expectations! It’s all about expectations. The Shoulds and Shouldn’ts.
Comparison and Separation
I expect to be someone. A specific someone. Someone who knows – someone who makes good decisions – someone who does what needs to be done and doesn’t slack around when things get difficult.
The danger is to fall short of my own self-expectations, not being the person that I need to be, and fail to live by the self-image that I created for myself. The things I expect of myself, I’m no longer able to see.
I create my own bias. Expecting to be someone, and then believing that this is indeed who I am, just because I’m automatically being protected from feeling the emotional pain of being wrong – protected from feeling disappointed. Because disappointment is painful, and pain is what we avoid.
Geez, that’s stupid… I’m going to split this one.
Physical pain is dangerous, so keep avoiding. Emotional pain is NOT dangerous, no need for protection. Brain, please allow me to see that I’m not who I’m supposed to be. Allow me to finally be exposed to the true me.